Seeking
by Aizawa Minami
Summary: Everyone seeks something in life in order to be happy, but sometimes it will not always go as a person plans it to be; sometimes it is not enough for human fulfillment. Angst fic. A tribute to jm1681's Unlikely Hearts.


_**A/N: It has been a while since I've written a fan-fiction, well, time does that I suppose, haha. Lately, I have been focusing on other things, such as school, life, new books, new original writing material – it's been very interesting so far. Out of boredom, or less so, I decided to focus on something different, but familiar. Currently, I have managed to unearth a very old fan-fictional piece that I originally intended to finish from last year, but then there is life and other interests. And, for this summer, I've decided to at least dedicate myself to finish a project that I've yet to finish or translate.**_

 _ **This fan-fiction was both: a translated (from the original Hungarian language) and unfinished piece and it is only currently that I have managed to have done so; after many revisions, (the paragraph that you all will encounter is relatively new as well as the ending, while the rest from the beginning and mid-section was quite old) and determination of 'true and tried'; believe me it took me quite A WHILE to get this finished! I've managed to finish it, a great weight lifted from my shoulders, thank God! It has also been a while since I've ever done any angst-related fiction, which is something I am trying to juggle with for in-universe characters in fan-fiction, especially Mikasa for that matter, who was a very interesting character to analyze in Attack on Titan.**_

 _ **Nevertheless, this fan-fiction piece is okay, considering the content and writing, which has been a while! Long story short, this is a fan-fiction piece dedicated to a long-term friend of mine jm1681 and his fan-fiction "Unlikely Hearts". It is set in the middle of chapter 6.**_

 _ **Enjoy this fan-fiction piece, everyone! :)**_

* * *

It was nearly getting late and everyone else has gone to their quarters to end the night's celebratory drinking session. It was everyone with the exception of Mikasa who preferred to stay a while longer. Eren looks over his shoulder, at first, he is worried about what will happen if Mikasa is left unattended in the middle of the night, but Mikasa shrugs him off, reassuring him that it will be all right. "Besides," she said with a wink, "you know me from the start; I can handle everything." Maybe the thought was from his imagination, this _is_ Mikasa after all. He smiles sincerely at his long-term family member; Annie, who is beside Eren, smiles also as she is grateful for Mikasa's blessing. Both of them bid Mikasa good night while walking comfortably side by side. Unknown to them, Mikasa eyes their body language and movements – while she is _supposed_ to be happy for them, the fact that she gave their blessing of romantic courtship, she is not.

When the night is full of joy and pride for most people, it came to be a turn of events for Mikasa – full of mixture of emotions that sparked jealousy and contempt for everything.

Mikasa downs on the final contents of the strong alcoholic drink into her mouth, and the acrid bitterness poured violently in her throat. The forced drinking of alcohol without thorough consideration caused a sharp, nervous reflex – the mug slams hard on the table and her facial muscles contracts into sheer disgust and discomfort, the obvious consequence of it was her whole self. Despite the fact that the declaration asserts that women have higher metabolism and tolerance of alcohol consumption, it is only if the tolerance is willing to do so. Since there was not much food in the stomach and the faint delirium that comes in its report "tolerance to alcohol consumption" are at terrible odds.

She found the unpleasant realization, however, she still manage to finish her last drink stubbornly. Again she contracted the skin of her face too – her eyes blinked hard, her mouth strongly frowning and shakes her head quickly.

"Eugh," was the answer to the flavour of the alcohol, she did not expect anything but the dulling of the senses and the dose of enthusiasm. Maybe it was bad, now that her stomach gurgled.

 _Augh, come on, not now..._ She thought to herself, even as she tries to upload a mug of beer – the effort was in no doubt that the reckless and drunken steps, with slight visual impairment made environment seem dizzy and nauseous. She is trying to plan out how to fill the mug. The pitcher on the right hand and the cup in the other. When she believed both were at nearby range, she starts to pour beer from the pitcher to the cup with a trembling hand.

She monitors the contents of the yellow liquid to flow smoothly onto the mug to get the most of it, it poured itself onto the wooden table and the cracks and leaked all over the floor. Of course, Mikasa now drunk in her mind, has not paid any mind to the mess, and the pitcher settles down on the table when she realizes that it is satisfactory that the beer mug is now a quarter full.

A sloppy grin spreads across her pink lips and made a comment as she lifts the mug in the form of address: "To Annie and _**ick!**_...E... Eren..." Then, she brought the mug full of alcohol to her lips. She first thought, _"_ W _hat if I had managed to drink the next fourth consumption, although this is only a quarter of it."_

She thought back to the events of the past two weeks, how crazy the horrible experience of the titans that caused havoc to the people in a low-populated country and that many of her comrades almost died at the hands of those terrible demons. _However, even if two of my friends had managed to survive, I cannot not say the same for Captain Levi's team._ The thought in mind, she decided to suck the remains of strong-flavoured drink fiercely, the muscles of her throat are trying to ease the swallowing and became physically strong, driving down to the final sip.

In response to such negligence, Mikasa felt as if she will throw up, the room in her point of view seemed to spiral to incoherency, she feels very uneasy and anxious that the nervousness in the middle of a thick stack of saliva forms in her throat. When it comes to coughing out the unpleasant, slimy taste some was out, but not all the way.

She swallows most of it, as if to calm her senses, but the decision was unfortunate – in the midway point of swallowing, her body could not handle the strong smell of the taste, she is trying her best to keep out the thought of throwing up, but considered it useless. She gags a few times before the sickening stench of light-brown bile automatically spewed out of her mouth. Upon seeing the action, Mikasa felt very disappointed about herself – "Oh, for fuck's sake..."

She blinks and is distorted about the unpleasant smell that she spat out the remaining bile in her mouth.

"Miss Ackerman..." A smooth and monotonous voice spoke with a slight Hungarian accent. She stood at her head and realizes who he is, in which the short and unemotional captain seems to have come at an unfortunate hour now. She sighs and slumps her shoulders of self-delusion. "Captain..."

She covers her face with her hands, the right thumb and forefinger rubs at her eyes and the bridge of her nose as if trying to gain some composure to say something more than the formal address. Maybe explaining the situation would be better than saying nothing at all. She tried to speak so, but somehow could not – all she could say for the situation at hand was only in pathetic stutters.

Mikasa decided that it was no use to speak anymore, for that she was already at her lowest point, vulnerability in people can make them seem extremely pathetic and ugly, especially at times where humanity is struggling to survive. She hated this kind of feeling, of course, she was aware of it, but had only managed to keep it away where she would deny its existence, believing it was never there.

She believed she could never be like those people who would throw their lives away, bit by painfully excruciating bit when they feel as if their purposes in living are not as fulfilled as they would want to be. And, yet at this moment, she has become one of those people.

Levi walks toward his emotionally stunted comrade still with his neutral emotion, the severely depressed and delusional Mikasa expects the worse of this scene and is prepared to accept any consequence involving it. Surprisingly, it was not as she expected it to be. In the quietness of the large room, her captain spoke casually in his monotone as he took out a mop, rag, and a clean bucket of water. "Rough night, huh? I never expected you to be this kind of person, Ackerman." The young soldier smiles mournfully; _so, he managed to listen to me, huh? Never thought I would be much of an influence to this guy._

She sighed deeply, "...I... did not think I could be either... I guess when everyone is gone that's where it comes..." Levi listens attentively as he cleans the table from the bottom, attempting to get some of the remaining vomit off from the cracks, his face shows restrain and visible disgust from this deed. Mikasa feels bad for her captain having to do a disgusting chore that he loathes with a passion because of her irresponsibility. "Well...," he says while attending the cracks, "...that happens to everyone... Especially in this..." He manages to get the most out of the cracks, he feels satisfied on getting the difficulty of the matter resolved, there is a hint of a smile. He finishes his thought with a sigh, "Especially in this world we are living in..." Mikasa rests her head on the cleanest part of the wooden table and lightly nods; the course of exhaustion comes at her state of mind and body, yet, she could not help but to smile towards the loyal and determined captain.

"Yes... Of course..." Mikasa agrees tiredly, as Levi continues his vigorous chore of scooping the handful of vomit he could muster into the near dirtied water, carrying the bucket and dirty rag into the sink, rinses the rag and bucket, and finally adds clean water to mop up the stench. After a while, Mikasa found herself being gently shaken by his clean hands. "Can you stand up well, Ackerman?" He asks of her, the effects of the alcohol did not bring any help to the situation, the slow, nauseating motions only brought Mikasa moan and mumble in incoherent agony. "I-I... need... need to-to..."

 _ **Shit!**_

Levi jumps out to get the used bucket, hoping that she wouldn't vomit on the bench, otherwise, it will be hell for him to clean up yet another mess. However, the alcohol on the side was his fault, it was becoming a learned source for someone to solve their problems in an unhelpful manner – but who would predict one's problems when it is not known? People can be unpredictable as well as life.

There, he has come face-to-face with a disheveled, malcontented soldier now unsatisfied with life.

Despite everything else, despite having as much respect as Levi, despite having friends for support, no-one in the world, not even her closest friend, Armin, could ever understand her situation where she feels so completely alone. Mikasa knows this sporadic and unexpected behaviour has come to and in front of her superior no less, she feels great shame and regret weighing on her fragile heart.

Even though Levi has to clean another mess, he could not help but to feel sorry for the poor girl, she's been through very much, it's no wonder she was so attached to Eren, so very attached that seeing him with Annie has become the last straw for her. He relates to Mikasa, as he has been through the same situations as a young man. Therefore, he brings the bucket nearest her, a glass of water, and a handkerchief from his pant pocket.

She is still shocked from the fact that her superior has still consisted himself in helping her. When he offered her those two things, she tries to politely refused in a cracked voice, "No, Captain... You needn't do this for me..." He still insisted, "I want to, it is the best I can do after what you said from last time. No-one would ever have the balls to say or do what you did. You helped me, Ackerman, now I want to help you." Bewilderment, appreciation, and relief overwhelmed Mikasa like a great rush of water, Levi was a lot of things, attempting to help his fellow soldiers in times of emotional crisis was something hard to believe for Mikasa Ackerman. He places the handkerchief in her hands and he proceeds to repeat his responsibility once more. Mikasa breathes a trembling sigh, musters the damp mucous in her mouth and spits in the bucket that is placed between her legs. Then, she brings the glass of water to her lips, swishes it the small amount gently, and spits out as much as she could.

Another deep sigh. She haunches her body close; her face contorts itself unpleasantly, noticeable wrinkles comes to at her lips, her eyes, and forehead. The choked induced crying comes again. It will take more than a while for Mikasa to get back on her feet. It felt very unfair that life continues to derail her repeatedly, is asking for peace and happiness just too much in this world? Perhaps it could be. Perhaps, it is too much to ask for everything in which one person cannot have. The last thing Mikasa would want to be was being sorry for everything. She could say that she is sorry, but croaking it out would not help any, not in this position, not now. Levi sits down beside her, also sighing deeply while staring at the ceiling. It has been a long and grueling two weeks for everyone.

Then, he looks over the haggard young woman and is unsure of what to say next, admitting anything pertaining emotional issues has never been his strong suit. However, he's been so good with her so far, so his encouragement _has_ to mean something other than words. The awkward captain stands up and does the only thing he could think of. He handles her shoulders, although not roughly, but firmly and as carefully, "Come on, I'll take you back to your room, will that be okay?" The depressed soldier thumbs out the crusts from the corner of her eyes, and struggles to straighten herself out, a heavily induced sigh comes, and a quiet consent goes by the nodding of the head.

The bucket and glass of water was put back into place in a dirty section, someone else can clean by tomorrow, Levi does not want to deal with the matter anymore. The short captain carefully hauls the slightly taller soldier by looping her arm over his head and the other onto her waist.

Neither Mikasa, nor Levi had said a word during their trek to her quarters, only their facial expressions of silent melancholy was more than enough for one to understand the other. They no longer saw one another as competitors, Mikasa no longer found herself hating this man who had beaten Eren to a bloody pulp during his trial, rather she found a new-found respect for him. As for Levi, he has grown to respect Mikasa more than just a soldier, she was a human being just like everyone else with similar desires and aspirations for the future.

By the time they have reached her quarters, it seemed that the trust would stay more than they would anticipate it to be, for that Mikasa was unsure of being alone at this time of need. As Levi turned to leave the quarters, he felt those delicate, thin fingers grasp his rough and calloused hand. When he turned around, he could see in her dark eyes, which were always so strong and determined of everything no matter what, lessen to childhood vulnerability. He knew what this meant, pleading for human contact in times of need. This kind of feeling was common for everyone at this time, he had known so for many years, but had never taken it into his account because he never wanted to. It was easier enough to walk away when at a distance, but at this proximity with a well-known soldier of an astounding reputation was startling. He could walk away; it would be easier to do so.

Mikasa realized that hanging on to a respected captain, her own captain at the most, would never go well at all – it could jeopardize everything she stood for, and also everything he stood for. Exploitation of a person's kindness will never reincorporate unrequited thoughts and feelings. She retreats her fingers from his hand and places it on top of the other. A large lump forms in her throat and the thoughts of regret and torment would soon come back. It is harder to admit that a person _does_ need help, most times the path of life can be much harder without its assistance.

A hand was placed on her shoulder, none other than Captain Levi's. The captain decided not to leave, for whatever the feeling must be, he does not want her to suffer alone. The reasoning was partly his responsibility for her well-being, and the other out of loneliness; he has lost so much, he cannot bear to see another person in pain than she. At that moment, Levi displays a familiar, raw emotion to his young comrade, one full of hurt, anger, and frustration towards the very faction of the life they are living in. Comfort of the other is so few in this world, to be able to emphasize is more than enough.


End file.
